so it seems that i have been a bit down lately and i am certain that there are several reasons for this, but i just needed to get a few things out of my head, and i guess out on the web!!! i probably should have a journal or something so that this things aren't open to the world, but whatever. so, here i go. for years, maybe my whole life, i have been struggling with the idea of being loved for being me. so i did everything i could to outwardly be the cool, happy, positive, smart, beautiful person that i wanted to be. but inside, i was still the shy, scared, quiet, awkward, frumpy, girl i had been in high school. so i closed that girl off, and tried my best to erase her, but when i got pregnant, i was so overwhelmed with how out of control my life had become and how big the challenges were in front of me that all the courage and selflessness and positivity and spontaneity and coolness slipped away to reveal the worst true me. and it was at that time that so many of the people that i thought loved me for me slipped away. and it was at that time that the person i thought i was, the person that i tried so hard to be, the person that made me like myself ran away too. so since that time i have been attempting to find her again. that person that i used to like so much, but i can't find her. i never thought that i would be the kind of mom that does nothing except her child. that can't seem to find her way out the front door, but i dislike the naked, raw, scared, self conscious version of myself so much that i just can't do it. and on top of that the one seemly terrible choice that i made has placed a permanently horrible person badge right across my forehead so that i can never be trusted again or unconditionally loved again or given any kind of respect again. and it breaks my heart. and it confuses me. and it leaves me to wallow in my own self pity because no one wants to be friends with a sinner.... (did i mention i am kind of in a negative, glass half empty, pessimistic place in my life...?) anyhow, i just am feeling rather fragile and scared and sad and alone right now and wishing that i was that other brooke who never felt any of those things...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
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6 comments:
we need to talk. seriously. I tried calling you back the other day (of course a day or two or three late)...I wish I would have been in Mapleton while you were there. I'm so so so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate on many levels, but I'm sure I have no idea exactly how you are feeling. I've decided life is just one big cycle of being happy and then sad and then pissed and then bitter and then somehow you find your way back to happy. And being a mom just exaggerates the whole process. anyway, call me. sometime when you can. and for what it's worth I love every part of you...the sinner and the saint.
Brooke, darling girl! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Reading your post made me so sad...especially since we haven't been in touch much in the last few months/years. I LOVE YOU!!! I have never thought of you as a "sinner"--hello, we all are! I think you are a wonderful, incredible person, and yes, you happen to be imperfect like the rest of us. I love you and miss you so much. Remember what it was like being in each other's lives? Sleeping in, working hard, and giggling in Romania...studying for psychology tests with Steve Freeborn...having non-profit "meetings" that turned more into girl-talk sessions...we've had some good times. Let's talk and catch up! Until then, I'll be keepin' you in my prayers and hope you can feel better.
-Kate
I LOVE YOU!!!!! Let's chat. :)
Hi, I'm Margaret's friend Danielle. I don't know if you remember me, but I was in your guy's ward (the 7th ward) way back when. I was searching her blog, looking for updates and saw your name - I thought "is that Marg's old roommate Brooke who used to go to Romania and work with the kids there?" Lone and behold it is.
I hope you don't mind, but I just read this blog entry and related to it OH SO WELL! I just wanted to say, even though I don't know you well, you're not the only one who feels like this...
If you'd like, I'll invite you to my blog and we'll cheer each other up. Just ask Marg for the info.
You'll be in my prayers.
PS: I totally know what you mean - sometimes I have a habit of using my blog as a journals, therefore letting out a ton of stuff. I'm sure that's why no one ever reads my blog anymore. LOL!
I just want to say that I'm sorry, too, that things are feeling so tough and that you've been in a low place. I LOVED what your friends said. And I just want you to know that I love you and admire you a ton.
Also, I'd really like to talk to you about motherhood stuff sometime, if it's okay with you. I mean, it's the biggest change a woman can have in her life, and I'm sensing that it's going to be kind of disorienting. (with lots of wonderful, I'm sure... but I like your point that life doesn't feel pretty and perfect all the time and I think it's legitimate and important to talk about the hard aspects of parenthood, because I know already there are things I'm going to struggle with.) Okay now this is a long, long comment. :)
Hey...
also M.'s friend from the 7th ward, but after you left it.
I was a single parent for a while. Let me tell you... I think it has a whole lot less to do with people thinking you're a "sinner" and people just being uncomfortable with someone whose situation is outside of the "norm" for Mo. culture. People judged me and treated me with coldness without even knowing my story.
Don't get down on yourself. You know who you are. The fact that you want to be a certain way means you are that way in embryo, know what I mean? We all have different sides to our personality. I'm a very very very shy person, and some people see me as snobby for that reason.. so I try hard to be friendly, come out of my shell and stuff, but it's so hard for me. But most people tell me they can't tell how shy and nervous I am all the time.
I think we are all that shy, self-conscious person at heart until we feel we are on steady footing in our lives... and sometimes life just throws us curves, even outside of our own decisions.
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