i just need a moment to let it all out

so it seems that i have been a bit down lately and i am certain that there are several reasons for this, but i just needed to get a few things out of my head, and i guess out on the web!!! i probably should have a journal or something so that this things aren't open to the world, but whatever. so, here i go. for years, maybe my whole life, i have been struggling with the idea of being loved for being me. so i did everything i could to outwardly be the cool, happy, positive, smart, beautiful person that i wanted to be. but inside, i was still the shy, scared, quiet, awkward, frumpy, girl i had been in high school. so i closed that girl off, and tried my best to erase her, but when i got pregnant, i was so overwhelmed with how out of control my life had become and how big the challenges were in front of me that all the courage and selflessness and positivity and spontaneity and coolness slipped away to reveal the worst true me. and it was at that time that so many of the people that i thought loved me for me slipped away. and it was at that time that the person i thought i was, the person that i tried so hard to be, the person that made me like myself ran away too. so since that time i have been attempting to find her again. that person that i used to like so much, but i can't find her. i never thought that i would be the kind of mom that does nothing except her child. that can't seem to find her way out the front door, but i dislike the naked, raw, scared, self conscious version of myself so much that i just can't do it. and on top of that the one seemly terrible choice that i made has placed a permanently horrible person badge right across my forehead so that i can never be trusted again or unconditionally loved again or given any kind of respect again. and it breaks my heart. and it confuses me. and it leaves me to wallow in my own self pity because no one wants to be friends with a sinner.... (did i mention i am kind of in a negative, glass half empty, pessimistic place in my life...?) anyhow, i just am feeling rather fragile and scared and sad and alone right now and wishing that i was that other brooke who never felt any of those things...

Check out my Slide Show!

i don't know about the rest of you married folk, but when i got hitched my hubby put the brakes on me displaying any photos in "our" house that did not somehow involve him. (which means that the last 26 years of my life, those that did not include him, were to be remembered fondly...) however, i am a photo/frame kinda gal, and i LOVE my old photos. so i needed a place to put them so that i could see some of my fav's whenever i want. plus, it's always fun to show off your old (or new) ugly styles and really bad hair days. (or in my case the days when i didn't only wear sweats and i actually looked kinda hot...) plus, i thought all of you might enjoy seeing a photo or two of yourselves!!!! (and ya sorry stac, i had to put the prego pic up, it's the only one i have of sam!) ENJOY!!!!

i did not get tagged, but i am doing it anyway!

im breaking the rules and i LOVE it. seeing as i don't have any friends who would tag me, i am going to tag myself. that's right. (plus, i really need a reason to not have to clean the toilets, again.)

10 YEARS AGO...
i was a senior in high school, just finishing up Hi-Lo's (drill team), getting ready for the new group of try-outs, wanting to just get the hell out already, and simultaneously freaking out because i wasn't sure what i was going to do. not to mention driving past nick's house and shavy-shavy's house, and jerom's house with kellie and matou in my little 2 seater crx, and working at zuka, and being kellie's shadow. (can anyone believe that 1998 was 10 YEARS AGO, wow.)

5 THINGS ON MY TO-DO LIST...
1. (obviously) clean my toilets
2. wash, fold, put-away, and re-organize the laundry (it seems zoia's new favorite game is to scramble her drawers.)
3. CLEAN (everything and anything. my house, sky's mom's house, the car's, the garage...)
4. make phone calls (sky's mom, my mom, young women's, getting photo's taken (wish kel was closer), getting tv (ya, we have not had television for almost 2 years, so my mom
thought it was time), ty, marge, steve, marian, my prayer circle sisters, etc...
5. do a few things for myself (finish EAT, PRAY, LOVE (you should read it), exercise (yoga booty ballet for today), shower, maybe brush my teeth, sow...)
(i think my to-do-list is the same everyday...)

5 SNACKS THAT I ENJOY...
1. de-caf coffee (my stake president said it was okay)(and no i didn't ask, we were joking about it and he brought it up!!!)
2. vanilla/cinnamon almonds
3. ice cream (of course)
4. vanilla yogurt with grapenuts
5. zuka's (okay jamba juice, but i liked zuka better)
6. pizza (is that a snack?)
7. oh wait, it was only 5 huh?!?!

IF I WERE SUDDENLY A BILLIONAIRE I WOULD...
do what most everyone else would do. ie:
- build our dream house
- help my family
- finally get the DAFFODIL PROJECT (romanian street kids project) up and running
- travel with sky (india, ireland, scottland, hungary, romania...)
- buy zoia lots of toys and clothes
- have sky finish his cruiser, his chevelle, his anything
- go shopping at H&M, and since im a billionaire, how about saks and bloomies
- get a gym membership & a personal trainer & a personal chef & lipo
(wouldn't everyone want to do that?)

5 PLACES IVE LIVED...(interjection by me) SINCE I TURNED 18
1. Armonk, New York
2. Rexburg, Idaho
3. Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
4. Brasov, Romania
5. Provo, Ogden, Orem, Utah

5 JOBS IVE HAD...
1. Zuka Juice
2. Nanny for the Slaps
3. Hallmark
4. Nanny for the Butin's (over and wonderfully over again)
5. Discovery Academy (Boarding School for troubled youth)

5 THINGS NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT ME...
1. I actually LOVE sushi. I used to HATE it, but sky made me try it so many times that i actually started to like it. Plus, it is so beautiful. How can you not just want to eat it, or take pictures of it.
2. I pick at EVERYTHING. My nails, my split ends, my lips... terrible habits.
3. I am terrified of butterflies and moths. Yup. it is true.
4. Being a mom is the most fun, most scary, and the BEST thing that i have ever done. I LOVE IT.
5. I LOVE to have crazy hair colors. Ive been blue and green and most recently pink, and the secret punk rocker that lives inside me LOVES it.

okay, so since i tagged myself, i am going to tag all of you (and if your name is not on the list that does not exclude you...) k8s, kellie, stacie, eni, marge, vern... i am serious about all of you. these are things that i would like to know about all of you!!! and apparently i wanted you to know all about me!!

i know that we are all on diets, but break it for these cookies...seriously?!!!

Okay, so i have become a sort of cookie connoisseur of late (in other words, i really like cookies and i like to bake lots of them). and well, i think i have decided that these are truly some of the best. no joke, they are like magically delicious (minus the lepricon (how do you spell that?!?!)).

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup butter
1 & 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/8 tsp salt
3 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 cups Guittard Green Mint Chips (the recipe is yummy with the mint chips, but if you make them with semisweet you'll be eating crazy-good double chocolate cookies)

Preheat oven to 350. In double boiler melt 1 bag semisweet chips & butter. Set aside to cool. In large bowl beat eggs, sugar and vanilla until light. Blend in melted chocolate and then dry ingredients. Stir in chips (either mint or semisweet) and chill for 20 minutes. Bake 8-10 minutes; cookies will be soft in centers but will harden as they cool.